I'll sing with what's left of me...

"I can't find the words to sing, come be my remedy."

How can it be that when we are so easily, so swiftly running forward, during that moment, we fall?  Its as if the fears, the doubts, the discouragements catch up and threaten to drown every inspiration, every dream, every joy, every hope.  This wave draws me to my knees, but even there, there is no relief. 

 This weekend, the waves washed through my heart.  Nothing left.. no energy to continue.  Not even energy to worship.  A wakeup call this afternoon came via the World Wide Web. {How HE loves us}  the title to a blog post by a person I barely know.  This post brought tears to my eyes.... 

The writer talked about waking up each morning and making a conscious point to put their faith in Jesus all over again.  *all over again*.  " We’ve cried and struggled our way through believing that Jesus will keep providing for us the way He has been faithful to do..."  And then, the glimmering diamond of truth, "He’s left little traces of hope along the way to keep us just encouraged enough to do it over again." How precious and sweet!  "He's left little traces of hope along the way to keep us just encouraged enough to do it all over again."  This is Jesus's way.  Sometimes, He comes and sweeps me up in His arms with an overwhelming gift that He has given to me, *just because He loves me.*  I know these gifts are {just because He loves me} gifts because they rarely serve any purpose except to make me feel a rush of love towards Him.  Often, this rush doesn't last, but I savor the gift because He gave it to me knowing that it wasn't a painful, hard to learn lesson that drew me to Him; just a huge pick-me-up.  

On the other hand, I think it is the little "traces of hope" that I miss, but together scream the faithfulness of Jesus.  I sigh, groping in the darkness, feel the bars that trap me in, and sit in the darkness; despairing.  But why?  I miss His everyday love.  The wave of a kind, gray haired stranger, the random email from a friend, the text message, the guy, who I assumed would slam the door in my face like the guy right before him did, doesn't  {standing back, he smiles and hauls open the huge doors that I can never seem to open without them slamming back closed on my shoulder}.  Are these the "traces of hope?"  Maybe.  They sure help.  A stray verse catches my eye.  The random blog post of a friend.  These are the "traces of hope" that bring those little rushes of energy that keep me going, keep reminding me of His faithfulness and LOVE.  

 This is part of faith.  Remembering, "He just knows us to the core of who we are, what we think, how we feel and what we want and need. He knows those things, He remembers them and He loves us in ways that reflect that." How beautiful!  To be reminded that He knows me to the core of who I am, {AND} loves me in a way that reflects that.... it is a lifeline. "He just knows the littlest things that no one else sees and He loves us in ways that speak to those secrets of our heart."  When I stop looking for the things that I {think} I want or need, and start looking at the gifts God HAS given me, I am so reminded that what I *think* I want, and what I really want are two very different things. {AND GOD ALREADY KNOWS THAT!}  He doesn't ride the roller coaster of emotions with me!  He doesn't think, "Oh, today Kristine wants to talk to this person, I'll have them talk to her."  {And tomorrow} "Now Kristine wants to go shopping and replenish her shabby closet.  No, He knows that talking to *that person* isn't going to bless her today, but this person will give her My love in the way that she'll see.  {Tomorrow}  I'll just let her walk around the mall for a while.. she'll come to her senses :)  He is steady. He loves me and {EXPRESSES THAT LOVE} even when I miss it all.  Sometimes being a Christian means training my mind to consciously {remember} His love, hope and faithfulness.  Finding this strength, I can sing with what is left of me...

 ~~~~~

sing it out
take what is left of me
and make it a melody

sing it out
sing out-loud
I can't find the words to sing
you'd be my remedy

My song
My song
I'll sing with what's left of me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~